my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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