dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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