drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize