i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize