69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
