Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
