Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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