It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
