dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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