Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
