I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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