the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
