And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
