You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
