my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
