so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
