why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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