when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
