I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
this is an emotional support booty call
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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