Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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