i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I want a musical about memes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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