I think I won the penis lottery.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
