using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
