non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
