nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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