I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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