she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
