Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
