Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
