After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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