My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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