someone get that fucking seahorse.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
