She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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