Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i've created a new STD.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
