peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
