Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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