Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
