I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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