You're my little dorito
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
