"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
