I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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