Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize