my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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