the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
pop tarts are not kleenex
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
