I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
