It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
