phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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