so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
