i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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