my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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