I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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