who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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