i'm signing you up for texting rehab
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
