Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
