do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
