My liver just broke up with me...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
