remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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