Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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