Apparently you make a good broom.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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