woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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