Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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