census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
