I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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