His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
