You're completely useless in the revolution.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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