WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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