hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
