Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
