New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
it's not cheating when I paid for it
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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