My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just found puke in my bra..
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
