Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
