theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
