i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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