I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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