You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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