I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize