Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
